Indefinite waiting & finding hope
Choosing gratitude despite disappointment.
Waiting seems to be my lot in life at the moment. I often struggle with feelings of bitter frustration and discouragement. Sometimes there is nothing else I can do but wait… How I choose to think in these moments makes all the difference.
I am currently waiting for significant decisions from government departments that will seriously impact our kids lives for better or worse. I am waiting for responses from various job applications. I am waiting and hoping to see when my husband will find work…
When I have chased up multiple problems as much as I can, and I have faced up to more bureaucracy and red tape, and when I have written yet another email asking for assistance for those I love and am advocating for, I send up another grieved and exhausted please help God?… and I wait. I try to wait with hope, but hope fatigue is a real thing.
The psychological effects of living with Indefinite Waiting are well known- especially for all the displaced and suffering people at the moment who are desperately waiting for safety and peace... Coincidently, today happens to be World Refugee Day.
I feel very fortunate to be living in Australia. I am grateful for many reasons, but considering that my children have significant disabilities, I am particularly grateful for its free health care… Despite its shortcomings I really appreciate the National Disability Insurance Scheme, which aims to assist the 1 in 5 Australians who live with disability.
Recently the NDIS has had a shake up, and with all the knuckling down on mis-use, the system has ground to a painfully slow beast of a thing for those who really need it to be prompt and helpful. The waiting is agonising. Some days it’s all so very demoralising. Waiting. Asking again. Waiting. Watching those we love struggle on, without the support they need, trying to live a full and independent life. Ours is not an isolated story. The feelings of helplessness and frustration are real for so many people with disabilities and their families.
We have been lucky- we have finally had online NDIS meetings in this last week for each of our eighteen year olds, who are each waiting for new NDIS plans with appropriate supports, so that they can live with the help they need to be independent young adults. For example; so that they can have assistance to get up out of bed and face their day, access the community, get to their uni classes, move out of home into supported accommodation, and build their futures.
They have each been waiting for over six months for these meetings, despite flagging that they will be needed a long time ago. There is still maybe a month or so, at best, of waiting, for each of our three, before any decisions are made by the NDIS. When they are finally handed down, we have no idea whether the decisions will be adequate to cover their needs. It can be hard not to despair.
‘ Gratitude or Disappointment ’, ink artwork, Jemimah Read 2024.
One day I was feeling the weight of all of this, and without disqualifying the heaviness of it all, I asked myself in the midst of my grief, ‘Gratitude or Disappointment?’ (See artwork above.) This was a hard thing to do that day, but I asked it because I have often found gratitude to be an effective antidote to despair. Maybe it’s because gratitude breeds hope?
I find it invaluable to regularly dwell on what I am grateful for.
I am grateful for the job interview I had yesterday. And that my good fella had a job interview the day before that! I am grateful for the beautiful part of Australia that we live in. For living in a country at peace. I am grateful for our well-built home that is lovely and warm in winter and nice and cool in summer. I am grateful to be living on land with plenty of space outside, and barely any neighbours. I am so grateful for my garden, and 11 chooks. I am grateful for good friends and the fact that we live in a supportive rural community with some amazingly kind people in it. I am grateful for three engaging and unique young adult children. I am grateful for our funny little dog. For the fact that we have enough to get by each day. That we have each other…
There is much to be thankful for!
‘Flowers’, mixed media artwork, Jemimah Read, 2025
I think that being determined to dwell on things that cause me to feel grateful instead of discouraged has meant that I can sustain this way of living. It means I can face another day of uncertainty. I can live in the moment. I can do my best and then let go. I can hang on to my mental and physical health, and live with a bigger hope.
I have found that living and waiting with gratitude means I generally avoid sinking into despair. It means I am able to maintain positive and healthy relationships with those closest to me. I can think of and care for others, instead of getting caught up in myself.
I know how easy it would be to give up and wallow in my grief and disappointment. I have been there many times over the last eighteen years. It is easy to let it consume me. It quickly twists me into an angry and bitter version of myself. I hurt those closest to me, and in turn the hurt spreads like a sickness. I don’t want to be that version of myself. So I do the hard work to stay free, to choose gratitude and hope, despite the grief and fatigue.
My friend Neridas song Old Man Bitterness sums it up pretty well;
Old Man Bitterness,
lurks below, face won’t show to the sun.
Left unattended, in he goes,
and could you know how deeply it runs?
Old man buried wounds,
well guarded, lock-hearted, and cold.
Like weeds those wounds remain,
with the pain of those seeds that he sowed.
CH: Old Man Bitterness bides his time,
he knows he might win in the end.
Old Man Bitterness waits below,
waits until he’s your only friend.
Old Man Secret Rage,
here to stay, no more filters now.
Those hidden angry thoughts,
now a shout, drowning out every sound…
All those little choices are seeds.
(Copyright Nerida, all rights reserved. From In the Midst of the Dark)
I wonder what seeds I am sowing in the choices I make today? Where will I let this take me? How much will I let these feelings shape my character? I want to choose to respond in ways that draw me towards life.
This is hard work. It is easier said than done. Here are a few practical things that have helped me when things are particularly tough:
I find myself journalling a lot. I always remember my English teacher saying that words are less powerful once written down.
I find myself expressing my feelings in art and illustration. Drawing and doodling gives my mind a break. Being creative without pressure refreshes my soul.
I find myself praying a lot of honest, desperate prayers… My imperfect faith in the historical, resurrected Jesus has given me an invaluable source of hope and peace over the years.
I seek out professional help. I’ve been lucky to find a good psychologist who bulk-bills. The benefit of an outsider’s perspective has been very helpful over the years.
Added to that I have a good little community of support around me - good friends that I trust and can share life with. I make a priority to meet with them regularly.
This has been my experience, but I would love to hear from others. There is a lot to learn from each other. Feel free to share - how do you find/ make/ create hope and gratitude for yourself in moments of uncertainty? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
May we keep on with hope and courage.
-Jem xo
Waiting with joy has been a goal for me. It is far off but each time I find myself in the wait mode I try to get closer to it by remembering the times that the waiting was worth it, when I was grateful that I didn’t get what I thought I wanted so bad, for the people I met while in the waiting room. My daughter and I start each day with praise music and remember Who I am actually waiting on and that He loves us enough to have died to be with us.
Whatever is true, whatever is good think on these things.
I have not reached my goal but I know it will be worth the trying.
This is a post I need to come back to over and over again. Thank you for sharing your wisdom here. I still have a way to go as I learn to wait with gratitude. You’re right, it’s so easy to give in to despair and bitterness.